


I Think I'm Sad But I Don't Know Anymore.

by Purple_candyy



Category: Splatoon
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:34:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29196162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purple_candyy/pseuds/Purple_candyy
Summary: Back on my fucking kinnie bullshit with entirely Emperor centric oneshots that are very venty n shit do not ask if i am okay its a work in progress i promise.
Relationships: Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

FUCK

mobile tagging is cringe anyways seeya in like not even an hour


	2. 3:57 am

Every. Fucking. Day. The. Same.

Why won't things just change up at least a little? Why was he still so problematic? Why did the thoughts always plague him? He had to be perfect. The ideal. No room for flaws or issues. He needed to remove them. But how? Alcohol turned him into a fool, and smoking would not help, merely reducing him to something even more useless. His room felt so small, but he felt even smaller. He didn't want to get up today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after. He wanted to stay here. If not to sleep, then to just wait for the days to be overwith. Who was yelling? He didn't care right now. He wanted to be alone. He almost screamed, it was too loud out there. Why was everyone so damn loud? Why can't they just tone it down a bit? Why? Why was he given such high expectations when the best he could give was mediocrity? Why did his father find every reason to snap at him, only to be his "friend" moments later? Why did his mother feel the need to nitpick his appearance so much that his relationship with food became strained, he couldn't stand looking in mirrors, and he preferred to hide his figure?

He just didn't know. He didn't know a lot of things.

He sighed, prying himself from the warmth of his bed begrudgingly, swinging his legs over the side and sitting for a moment. What did he have to do today? Practice? No.... Maybe piano? Depends on if anyone was home.... What the hell was there for him to do? Go to work? He had the day off. He didn't feel like doing turf war. He didn't even want to try with ranked today. Grizzco was closed for most of today. So why did he get up? Did he have plans with someone? He didn't believe so. Nobody liked to be around him, because he wasn't the nicest or most considerate. It's not his fault people are so easily upset. He had no qualms to telling the truth, or simply stating his opinion, but apparently he was rude when he did so. He slowly stood, shuffling over to his closet and quietly opening it. He didn't have much contrary to popular belief. He didn't want too much, because then it'd be to much to organize. When he had so few things, it meant that he'd be more motivated. At least thats how it worked in his mind.

Getting dressed was a struggle of its own, what with him still being sluggish with sleepiness and with his distaste for his own body, leading him to refuse to look at himself. He only even looked at his face to ensure it was decently presentable, otherwise he'd be reprimanded by his father. The man wasn't cruel, he was simply trying to show Emperor how to get better. It just meant he had to be yelled at for everything he did wrong. But then again, N-Pacer always tried to tell him that it was okay to be a little different from the average cephalopod. But he'd shut her down fast, since he wasn't allowed to be anything other than perfect. If he wasn't perfection, then what was he? He caught himself gnawing on his lip, but for once, didn't stop himself. It felt nice to have a small release, no matter how.

But then again, it only made him feel worse after.

He promptly stopped, soon heading downstairs slowly. He wasn't even hungry, but he didn't want to be scolded for staying in his room for hours on end without being told to do so. His room was his safe spot and his prison. Glancing at the clock he tilted his head. It was... 1 in the afternoon. He was shocked he hadn't been bothered that whole time. Oh well. He couldn't complain about finally getting some peace and quiet. Maybe he should see if anyone isn't busy. But what if everyone was and he was being unnecessarily bothersome? Well, that's no issue, they'd just need to make time for him. He was more important, wasn't he? He sat at the dining room table, mindlessly tracing patterns on the carefully crafted mahogany table with a finger. He glanced at his hand and grimaced. Ah yeah. He had to cover up those damn scars. It was hard enough not to make new ones, so he needed to just keep hiding the old ones, that way, he'd forget about the option to do it. With a jolt he realized he left his phone upstairs, and knowing his luck, it was probably dead right now. Just like all of his social media. Fame never made him happy but he wished it did. The happiest he'd been was when he and Eging had stolen his fathers liquor and snuck out with it. That might've been the first time he'd genuinely smiled in years. He always told himself everything was fine because at least he was never actually hit, unlike Eging. He wished he could feel bad for the inkling, but his detachment left him numb, a blessing and a curse. Time would fly by eventually, so maybe he should go see if anyone is home. Eh. Maybe in a minute. He didn't want to get up right now. Minutes always turn to hours. Do it now. Stop procrastinating. You see that knife there? You could stab it through your hand right now. Or maybe cut open your skin again, and watch the blood drip drip drip down down down. Maybe you could pry into your head so everyone could find out what's wrong. Or maybe you could use that lighter in your pocket and add more burns, it'd be worth the pain. Would it? Of course. Always. Aw are you afraid to do it? Coward. Can't even hurt yourself, let alone kill yourself. Why are you still trying? You know you'll never reach his expectations. 

_You're such a stupid kid._


	3. 00:30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow 2930 words.  
> Maybe happiness might find me. I dont know. Til then have this. To anyone who relates, im sorry, i wish you didnt have to feel like i do. I shouldnt say im sorry because i never mean it, but i mean it when i say it sucks to be this way and i wouldnt want anyone to suffer like i do.

He could't help but grimace at their unnecessarily upset tone. Another person turned down. He didn't get it. Why did everyone try to get close and intimate with him? He thought he made it clear he was disinterested in that. As he watched them meander off towards their group of friends, he felt a sense of relief. Why did anyone ever have relationships? All they would do is cause pain for someone. He sighed, turning to continue what he was doing. He just wanted to do his job, not have people ask for his number or anything else. Unless they were actually coming to the Crust Bucket for food, he'd ignore them. Unless he personally knew them, but even then, he still tended to ignore everyone. At this point he was going off of muscle memory. Crusty Sean was off on break currently, so he was on his own. He wasn't struggling by any means, no, but he was getting annoyed at everything. It took every ounce of self-control not to hit something and probably break things. The noise of the square was bothering him, but he couldn't say a word. He was supposed to be cold and calm. He tensed, hearing the familiar voices of the S5. Great. Fantastic. What amazing timing. He glanced out the window, sighing in relief when he saw them merely sitting at a table for now. He had time before the inevitable.

After the ordeal, he was finally home free. As he walked silently along the now quiet and dark streets, he let his mind wander. Relationships never worked out for him. He felt nothing, except maybe a small attraction to the way they perhaps looked. He couldn't bring himself to care. They always seemed so hurt when he brushed him off, rejecting affection and attention. It didn't feel right. He felt awkward. Empty. He grumbled, kicking a pebble as he shambled along. He didn't want to go home, but where would he go otherwise? And who would look out for Prince if he didn't come back? But what if he never came back ever? He could just disappear now, and nobody would be any the wiser. Except... Whoever the fuck was sitting at the bus stop ahead of him. They seemed to be lost in thought, but a quick glance made him realize it was Headphones. He quickly stood up straight, now walking with 'confidence' towards her. "Hey. Blue girl. You missed the last bus by at least an hour. You'll miss the train too if you stay here." He said nonchalantly, and she practically jumped out of her skin. "GAH- Squit! Emperor! You scared me!-" She stood up quickly, now looking up at him awkwardly. He felt just as awkward, but didn't show it. "Are you going home or waiting to get squidnapped, Headphones." He mused. He'd intended it as a genuine question, but it came across as a statement. Oops. She looked around, surprise settling on her face. "Oh... I didn't even realize it was this dark... Squit..." "Well. I'm going to the station. Care to join me? I don't want to be the last person to see you alive." He joked dully, and she chuckled nervously. "Ahaha... Yeah... I'll tag along, yeah." He nodded, and promptly began to walk again, walking just slightly slower so the girl could keep up. They walked in what Emperor deemed a comfortable silence for awhile, before Headphones nervously spoke up. "Hey... Emperor.. Um...." She trailed off, clearly hesitant. "Hm? What? Spit it out or forever hold your silence." He said, not once looking back at her. "...Okay. I just... I don't know what to do. I just can't... Can't enjoy things anymore? It's hard to de-" "I know what you mean. It's like someone just stole the joy right from your body, correct?" She seemed surprised. He didn't even let her speak before continuing. "I get it. I really do. I'd love to tell you that that's temporary, but I honestly don't know... It gets worse however. It'll start with your motivation disappearing, then happiness being sparse, or just not present at all. Suddenly, you can't stand the thought of even waking up." He mused, chuckling to himself. "It's pretty pathetic. I'd know." She furrowed her brow in concern and confusion. "....Are you okay?" He tensed, glancing back at her. "Pardon? Repeat last?" He said through half gritted teeth. One would mistake it for anger, but it was far from that. Why would anyone care how he was? "I asked if you were... Okay." She said gently, managing to catch up to him with how he'd unconsciously slowed his pace. "I just... I know you think nobody notices, but when you have friends like Bobble, you learn to read people to the core. I know you have a these... These unreal expectations placed on you. But... What else is bothering you? I promise whatever you tell me I won't tell anyone else." She spoke firmly and with confidence now. He was at a loss. What should he say? He didn't take this conversation as a possibility, and wasn't prepared for it. "....You swear on your life?" She promptly nodded vigorously. He sighed, slouching and humming in thought. Where would he even begin? He doubted she'd think it was all that bad. Because it wasn't. "...I think... An... No... The _main_ issue is... Emotional... Detachment? Just.. Fuck. I hate trying to talk about things. Hah, bet you can tell I pretty much have every conversation internally scripted, huh?" He laughed dryly, but she didn't react. "Why? Why does everyone think I _like_ them? Let alone tolerate them? They're all too loud. Too obnoxious. Boring. Plain.... Different from me. From what I know. I am not a therapist, Headphones, I do not care what you are feeling. I do not feel empathy. I do not make emotional bonds or whatever it's called." He sighed, crossing his arms. "Besides, I need my family to approve of me before I can move on with my life. I bet you think fame is nice. It really isn't. You have to be _perfect_ and have to reach that even if it's painful. Even if you have to destroy yourself in the process. Don't want their respect? The power over them? Then why are you lonely? You surround yourself with people, but you're still alone." He sounded a little choked up, and cursed himself silently. "...Because you were hurt, weren't you?... Bobble is aiming to be a psychiatrist... She likes to tell me about things... And that's a trauma response, I think. You are afraid of being hurt again, even if you don't consciously think it." For once, Emperor was silent. No snarky response was there. He just couldn't grasp it. "Who hurt you? What happened?" He gritted his teeth, glancing at his scarred hand. What if he just showed her? But she might have a strange reaction, and might distrust him like Prince. Without thinking, he rolled up his sleeve and wiped off the makeup, holding out the scarred skin for the girl to see. Her eyes widened. She clearly was disgusted in him, much like everyone else would be if they knew. "...I'm sorry, Emp." She murmured, gently rolling down his sleeve for him again. He looked at her, eyebrow quirked in confusion. "For what? My disappointing actions? Please. I don't need you to apologize for me. I don't need pity-" "Emp. It's not pity. It's empathy." "That's foolish. Empathy does nothing but cause unnecessary grief-" "Emp." It's a wonder anyone manages when they can feel it-" " _Emperor._ " He instinctively flinched, growing silent instantly. Oops. That's embarrassing. She didn't seem to notice at least. "Emp, empathy is what helps people get better. People like you. You don't have to necessarily feel it, but someone who does will want to help you if they find out what's wrong." "There's nothing wrong. There never has been. Maybe you should talk to Eging. He's getting worse at hiding the bruises. Maybe he should just improve himself like me. Maybe then it wouldn't happen. Then again, even I haven't reached ideal yet. I just can't reach the expectations, can I?" A bitter laugh. "That old man sure does have a loud voice that's for sure. He sure knows how to make you break too. It's a fucking wonder I haven't run away. Oh right. I'm too afraid to." He snarled. "What's it like to feel happy, I wonder? Is it even worth it? Maybe I should stop trying so damn hard." Headphones couldn't even begin to muster a response. She hadn't expected such revelations. Geez. Why were the calm kids always so damaged? "I don't know what to do anymore." The softness of his voice caught her off-guard. "I can't seem to do anything right. He always finds something to yell at me for. But it's fine, right? It's all necessary to make me better.... Right..?" He practically whispered, his voice hoarse with unshed tears. "..Emp...." She started uncertainly as she grabbed his hand with both of hers, making him stiffen, but luckily he didn't lash out like he normally would've. She could fell him twitching his fingers, and could tell he was twisting and moving his other hand. Trying to keep from breaking down, she assumed. "...I know you think it's not bad but... It is. You shouldn't be subjected to that kinda stuff. Nobody should. It's far from necessary." She murmured as they reached the mostly empty station. In the dull light, she could see his troubled expression. "Do you think Prince should go through it?" A shake of the head. "Then why should you? You're both still kids. You're both trying your best. So why do _you_ deserve it, and not him?" He drew in a shaky breath. "Because at least he's a good and functional kid." He whispered out, fearful that if he spoke any louder he'd finally break. "What do you mean? You're both good kids. You're just a little different from him. It's not all that bad of a thing." Emperor sighed, nearly falling apart as he did so. "What. I... Mean. Is that he... He is socially ac.. Acceptable. He's... P.. Polite. Reasonable. Doesn't run.. His mouth. At the slightest notion." He stammered out in a clearly choked and strained voice. Embarrassing. "But Emp... He's different from you. And that's not necessarily a good or bad thing. It just means you're going to learn and socialize at a different pace in a different way. I know Rider would skin me if I said this, but you've made him laugh until he cried. Same with a lot of us. You aren't bad, dude." She pulled him towards the train as it pulled into the station. "You're just yourself." That did it, tears managed to drip down his face and he softly hissed out a curse, turning his face downwards. Nobody on the train was awake, but he still felt embarrassed. "Hey, hey. It's okay to cry." She consoled him, pulling him to an empty and silent area. Trains still made her nervous, but it wad apart of her daily life now so she had to push away the fear. She couldn't lie that it was strange to see someone so collected finally breaking. She was silent, letting him softly cry. The only sign was his sniffling and struggles to breathe evenly, otherwise he was practically silent. "I... Why can't I just be a little normal?... Why can't I just _feel?_..." He sobbed out, and she frowned. "Why does everyone else get to be happy? Even when it all goes wrong? Why does change bother me so much? Why am I so _embarrassed_ to be mediocre? To be _myself?_ " "Because you were taught from a young age to be ashamed. And because your brain doesb't work the same as most. You're not the only one. You and Goggles function on the same sort of wavelength I noticed, just different parts of it. It's okay to be overwhelmed or upset." She soothed, and he merely stayed in his silent sobbing state, until an odd question left his lips. " _...Can I spend the night at your place...?_ " He mumbled, and she paused. Her mum probably wouldn't mind if she explained a bit. Her friends were always welcome to stay if they just simply didn't feel safe at home right now. Emperor wouldn't be the first, and surely wouldn't be the last. "I wouldn't mind, but I have to ask my mum first.... I'm certain she'll say yes though." She pulled out her phone, noticing the low battery. She quickly texted her mum, not expecting an _immediate_ response. She said yes, he could stay, then promply asked where she was.

Mum> Where are you anyways?

Ah im on the train rn <Headphones

I lost track of time and luckily Emp happens to walk that way <Headphones

I think my stop is up next <Headphones

See you when i got home <Headphones

Mum> Alright.

Mum> Please stay safe.

Mum> Call me if anything happens.

Mum> Love you!

Love you too mum <Headphones

She smiled faintly at her phone, then glanced up at Emperor, who appeared to be calming down. He soon begrudgingly took out his phone, face twisting to one of mild fear and major disappointment. Of course. It was his father.

Father> Where are you.

Somewhere <Emperor

Father> Don't give me attitude, boy.

Father> Do you want to end up like Eging's son?

Father> Now tell me.

Father> Where. Are. You.

On the train <Emperor

Im staying with a friend <Emperor

Father> Emperor.

Father> You know you have to tell me beforehand, yes?

Father> And you wonder why you always get lectured.

Father> It's clear you've learned nothing.

Father> I expect you home by noon at the latest tomorrow.

Father> Got it?

Okay <Emperor

He promptly shut off his phone, sighing. "Fuck you, cant make me do shit if you dont even know where i am." He muttered, glaring at the ground. "Whats up?" "Ah, he just wants me to be home by noon tomorrow, but honestly? Nah. Dont think i go back. Might fuck around and commit a crime instead. Anything except deal with him." He laughed, and noted that the train had slowed. He glanced at the ever silent Headphones, and stood a moment after she did. Well. This was their stop. The minute they exited the train, Emperor was hit with the smell of the sea. He missed that smell. He hated the city. The walk to Headphones house was uneventful and quiet, besides a bit of small talk between the two. He felt a sudden rush of fear and dread, however, when they reached the door. What was her mother like? How should he act? It's not like they were dating or something, and the mere thought left Emperor gagging a bit. He should be fine so long as he was quiet. An older woman was promptly there at the door the minute Headphones opened it, but her voice was not registered by Emperor. He was caught in the scene before him. The way Headphones could recieve affection without lashing out or flinching. The way her mother had shown such happiness and relief that she was home. The warmth and joy radiating in the atmosphere of the house. It appeared Headphones either did not have a known father, or the man was out of the picture, and a glance at a family photo made him think the latter was true. He jolted slightly when Headphones prodded him, and he looked to her and her mother. Geez. He towered over both of them. Yikes. "Hey, Emp. This is my mom, Cherry." The woman in question gave him a warm smile that made him feel strange, confused, and a little sick. "Hello! You must be Emperor! Listen, I know you're probably nervous, but please don't be. You're not going to do anything wrong, I promise. Now, are either of you hungry?" Headphones merely shrugged, and Emperor shook his head. Headphones and Cherry gave him an odd look, but he didn't make eye contact. "But you're all skin n' bone, hun." Cherry said softly, eyes showing worry. "Not really, but okay." He said flatly in response, rocking on his feet gently. He didn't like this attention. "Alrighty... Headphones, mind showin' him to the guest room?" "Sure." Headphones smiled and nodded, then gently grabbed Emperor's hand and dragged him upstairs. The house was the cozy kind of small, he noticed, and the walls all had photos and paintings and embroidered works scattered about. It felt lived in. It felt warm. He barely noticed Headphones speaking. "Hey, Emp. Heres the room. If you need anything, and I mean _anything_ just tell me or my mum, okay?" She turned to leave, but surprisingly, Emperor rested and a hand on her shoulder to stop her. "..Can you stay here until i fall asleep?" It was an odd request, but he didn't want to be alone while he was awake in a strange place. She gave him an odd look, but promptly nodded, choosing to sit on the loveseat in the corner. Emperor trudged to the neatly made bed and sat down. No matter how luxurious his own was, nothing could beat a bed that was in a _home_ not a _house._ He swiftly laid down, shutting his eyes immediately. He was nice and warm. And comfortable too. It surprisingly didn't take too long for sleep to wash over him.

**_ Maybe tomorrow would be okay. _ **


	4. 00:05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hdnen apes together strong  
> God im so fucking lonely lmfao the current meds do not help me and i keep forgetting to take them anyways
> 
> Anyways this is nonsensical and idc its self indulgent and thats all yhat matters
> 
> Oh yeah tw for uhhh  
> Suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm n shit like that idfk

The gentle sounds of the keys soothed the constant buzzing in his head. The familiar tune kept him loftily floating in a calm state. His fingers glided effortlessly and smoothly, not once missing a note. It was nice to be alone sometimes, it let him be himself without fear of judgement or ridicule. The soft music was nice. He let himself think, from wondering why he and Rider got along better now, to wondering why anyone still acknowledged him. He was no longer important. He was tertiary in his new team, and Prince had taken his place as the king. He'd never truly had friends before, just pawns, stepping stones. Now, however, he realized something. He was lonely. Oh so very lonely. He watched others effortlessly talk to others without needing to use their status to do so. Even Vintage had made friends despite his reputation and demeanour. Emperor sighed, song coming to a close as he closed his eyes, just now realizing he was crying. "It's just not fair..." He whispered to himself, hunching and covering his face with his hands. His ears were ringing and his head hurt, the stinging in his eyed and lump in his throat was overwhelming. He promptly slammed his fists onto the piano, tears beginning to stream down his face relentlessly. "Why.. Why. WHY." He practically sobbed. "Why can't I just.. Just be fucking normal.... Why do I have to be me?" He whimpered pathetically, leaning his elbows on the keys and hiding his face in his hands again. He could feel tears dripping down onto his arms, and definitely onto the keys. Why couldn't he just be less of a coward and just fucking kill himself? Why couldn't he even try? Was it because he still had the weakness of emotional ties? But he destroyed those so long ago! He just didn't understand it. He sniffled, wiping his eyes and standing, then covered the keys. He promptly pushed in the bench, and shambled away. He needed a distraction. But what? What could possibly distract him? Food could. But he didn't want food. Sleep? Who was he kidding he'd never be able to fall asleep. Hurting himself? He said he'd never do it again, and it was just embarrassing anyways. A thought crossed his mind, making him pull out his phone with shaky hands.

  
  


** Headphones**

_**Mobile** _

_ You busy? _

_ Ah, no, not currently, why? _

_ I dont know_

_ Just one of those days _

_ Are you okay? _

_ Haha nope_

_ Never_

_ Shhit myscreen is wwrt _

_ Why is your screen wet _

_ Becsuse imm cryinf duh _

_Shoot_

_Do you want me to come over?_

_Im just a coupld neighourhoods away rn anyways_

_Just visiting Rider and his team_

_I mean_

_Its your choise_

_Chouce_

_Choice_

_Fuck_

_Ill take that as "please come over im too embarrassed to admit i dont want to be alone"_

_Hey dont call me out like thst wtf_

_I thought we were friends how could you_

_Hehehe >:)_

_Anyways ill see u soon_

_Just hang tight, ok?_

_Dont tell me what to do_

_Im just saying that so you dont do something crazy and/or stupid_

_If you havent yet_

_I hit the piano_

_It deserved it_

_Damn_

_Whatd that piano ever do to you?_

_Existed_

_Worst thing anything could do_

_Smh_

_Anyways fr now i gotta get goin so i dont miss the only bus at this hour that goes that way_

_I hopw you get hit by a car_

_Ok Emp whatever u say_

  
  
  


He sniffled, wiping the endless stream of tears. He couldn't stop picking at the skin around his nails, not caring that there was blood gently beading now. His lips too. He kept gnawing off the dried skin, pulling away healthy skin with it. He had no doubt that his lip was bleeding, because it stung like a bitch. He just had to wait. And wait. And wait. He fiddled with his phone, trying to find something to distract himself with. Nothing there. He could always... But he shouldn't. He hadn't in years. But it was better than sitting here and festering.... On a whim he quickly bolted to his room, grabbing a dusty sketchbook and a mechanical pencil and shambling to the dining room table. It wouldn't be amazing, but it'd keep his mind off of things. The minute he opened it memories flooded him. There were still old sketches and drawings, most of which were cartoony and mediocre, while a few were realistic. He shook his head, rapidly flipping to an empty page, and setting the pencil down, hand moving automatically. This was an expressive person, so their form should show that..... Before he knew it, he'd roughly sketched out Goggles of all people. It was not great by any means, but it was recognizable, and now that the idea was in his head, he quickly began trying to sketch other people he knew. That he considered friends-ish. By the time Headphones got there he'd filled the entire two pages with random shit. He barely registered til there was a knock at the door. With that, he went and let Headphones in, and promptly began his halfhearted therapy session. He even showed her the piano and played her a bit of a piece he learned years ago. It was funny to see her so impressed. It was a simple little song, so he didn't understand her awestruck expression, but it still made him feel warm. He actually even let her in his room. She seemed a little concerned on why he had a few holes in his walls, but he brushed it off.

Well... Maybe he wasn't nearly as alone as he thought he was.


End file.
